The reactor's been hit!
Agh! Radiation leak!
Aah!
I'm sealing it off!
Good God, man.
You just wasted the lives
of 20 good men.
Sí, capitán.
Twenty lives to save 200.
Those are odds I can live with.
How dare you gamble...
gamble with... with...
With their souls.
Their what?
I... I can barely hear you.
Cut!
Okay, people,
this is not a break, so don't go anywhere.
Do you even read the scripts?
Hal. Why?
Oh, this line's all wrong.
I think we need...
Don't think, Hal.
Erik, once again, terrific.
Okay, baby.
How're you feeling? You hot?
No, no.
You're hot. No, I...
Somebody get Mr. Estrada
a spring water.
Coming!
You gotta hydrate, Erik. It's key.
All right, baby.
Hal. Yeah.
Why? It's just...
You know, this line.
Why would Murphy take orders from Marco?
I'm getting...
It's like there's a knife in my eye
and you're twisting it, man.
And would Murphy even care
about a bunch of nuked-out zombies?
Hal. I mean, come on.
Hal. What?
Erik, buddy? Yes, sir.
What can I say? I'm helpless, man.
I love you. All right, baby.
Oh, please.
Let's pick it up at "20 lives," people!
Places, people!
A.D.: Rolling. Speeding.
Torpedo attack, take seven.
Cue lights and siren.
Okay, cue fog.
Fog! Fog!
The fog machine, idiot!
Ass.
And...
action!
Less fog!
Less fog, ass!
Less!
Here we go, from the top.
Sí, capitán.
Twenty lives to save 200.
Those are odds I can live with.
Cut!
That's a break.
I'll be in my trailer.
Damn it, Hal!
Hey, Erik, wait up!
Buzz off, dude.
Miller!
Why am I a frigging Martian?
Hey, sweet!
Wardrobe got you set up.
And listen, you are not a Martian.
You're from a super race of symbiotes.
A little snake lives in your belly.
Since when? Well, the writers
were, you know, having trouble writing for, uh...
urban characters.
Urban, meaning black.
So now he's like Mr. Spock, but urban,
like, "Get at me, dawg!"
This show sucks.
Here you go, Mr. Butler.
A spear?
Space spear.
Shoots lasers.
Mm-hmm.
Peeow!
Man, all I know is I'd better be getting points
on these stupid dolls.
My girlfriend's tuition isn't gonna pay itself.
Look at this crap.
That's your action figure?
I'm way better looking than this.
I can't believe this. Look at mine!
Does this look right?
You wish.
This show sucks.
The writers absolutely suck.
Have they ever even talked to a woman?
I mean, when I do get a line,
my character's either pregnant
or having her period or screwing some...
Don't forget the gratuitous nudity.
God, I know.
And could this green room
be any hotter?
So, uh, you want to have sex?
Yeah.
Man, this show totally blows butt.
Yeah.
That Debbie chick is, like, mad hot!
Sick hot, dude!
Let's go get some pills from Mom.
I'm gonna eat the hell out of some pills!
Where's my writer?
Okay, let's...
What are you wearing?
It's pretty tough, don't you think?
Where's Erik? Well, probably
in his trailer.
You know, I don't have a trailer.
I don't even have a chair. Hal...
But what I want is a trailer...
Hal...
In which to put my chair.
What I want is to make the most adrenaline-pumping,
fogged-up, smoked-out action sequence
since Hooper,
so just do the scene.
Yeah, I know,
but it just doesn't make any sense.
Oh, you know what doesn't make sense,
actually, is, um, you,
because, like, I had you written
as 30-ish and handsome.
Please tell the writer
not to address the talent.
What talent? Oh, you.
Oh. Sorry.
Oh, yeah, cute.
Where's all this going, Adam Reed,
writer of Sealab 2021?
God.
Torpedo attack,
then the alien cavemen kidnap Debbie,
then they go back in time
and join McHale's Navy.
Love.
And then Sealab blows up. Somehow.
Oh, yeah. Another punch-out ending?
Oh, God. No!
We pull out at the last shot
to reveal a snow globe with Sealab inside.
What?
And that is the end.
It's layers upon layers, Hal.
It's awesome.
That's... That's Citizen Kane, you hack!
Do not call me a hack, okay?
You ho.
I wrote for Carrot Top.
What drew you to the role of Sparks?
Well, Sparks is just such a great character.
But I think the main impetus was...
my gundum told me to take the part.
Gun...? Uh, "gun" what?
Gundum.
Uh, he's, uh, my mentor in Astrotology.
Oh.
Right. Ahem. The Hollywood cult.
It's not a cult! It's a religion.
Not according to the IRS.
Oh, there will be a day of reckoning for you,
nonbeliever!
A totaling of sums and a snapping of necks!
And you will count yourself among the damned!
What's it like working with Estrada?
Never met him.
Torpedo attack, take 13!
Sí, capitán!
Twenty lives to save 200.
Those are odds I can live with.
How dare you gamble with their souls?
Hal! What?
That's the line.
Hal...
pretend you're an actor.
Hey!
Shut up.
Okay, that's it.
I'll be in my trailer.
Way to go, Hal.
All right, where are my cavemen?
Guys, we're a little behind,
but I need you to keep that energy up.
Do not mess with me.
Somebody go get Erik.
Hello? Mr. Estrada?
They're ready for you, sir.
Man, I look good in khaki. Watch out! A drunk driver!
Go get 'em, Ponch!
This is seven-Mary-four.
We're in hot pursuit.
P.A.: Mr. Estrada? Hello?
Buzz off, dude.
This is where my trailer would be,
in this taped area.
Kind of right here. Yeah. Hey.
I really need to get these guys in some water,
Because... All of this area inside the tape...
They're dying. would be my trailer,
I don't have time for this, okay?
And this chair with my name on it will go behind...
Get out of my chair, Hal! A really costly desk.
What the hell are you wearing?
Murphy's a captain, right?
Taking him in a new direction.
You have five seconds
to be on your mark and in wardrobe,
or I will personally
climb inside your abdominal cavity
and make a little house in there for my dogs to play in.
Oh,
your stupid mutts get a playhouse,
but I can't even get a friggin' chair?
Kill him! Kill him!
Get him!
Oh, yeah,
beat the crap out of him!
Damn it, Darlene. What did I tell you about the pills?
They need them pills
to keep 'em peppy so's they can work.
I got bills to pay, damn it.
Oh, yeah?
The price of crack go up?
Oh, you don't talk to me like that.
I'll sue your Hollywood ass.
Aah!
My bad...
bee-otch.
Thank you, Brett.
Word up, homes.
That "urban" enough for you?
Uh... no diggity.
Okay, people, we get this shot, it's lunch.
Fajitas. I know you like that.
Fajitas!
Erik,
are you ready?
Wait.
Yes, let's do it.
Hal, you gonna be a buddy?
Oh, what's the point?
Hal! I don't even have a chair.
Okay, we get this shot,
I'll give you Adam's chair.
Dude!
Shut up.
Hal, are we deal buddies?
No punch-out ending? I mean, like that
giant space-baby crap we did last week?
Stop twisting the knife!
Can I have a second with Al?
My name is Hal.
Yeah. Whatever.
Al... Hal...
It's not about the chairs.
Yeah, but...
Look at that chair, Hal.
Huh?
Look at that chair.
Now look at me.
Now, quick, look at the chair again!
Now, how did those fajitas get there?
I'll tell you how.
Movie magic.
And we're lucky enough to be part of it
because we're actors.
We're not chairs.
We're not fajitas.
We, sir, are actors.
Oh, my God. That's it.
I... I see it now.
I love you, Erik.
Yeah. Whatever.
And... action!
All right, let's try this.
Sí, capitán!
Twenty lives to save 200.
Those are odds I can live with.
How dare you gamble with their souls?
Roll out!
Damn it! Damn it! Damn, damn, damn!
Honey?
Honey, wake up.
You won't believe
the dream I just had.
Oh, all right, Hal.
What is it?
I was an actor
or a captain or something,
but underwater, uh...
I'm happy for you. Good night.
Nothing made sense in this place.
I... I mean,
Erik Estrada was there and...
Hal?
I want a divorce.
I'm sorry?
So am I, Hal,
but I don't love you anymore.
This isn't very funny.
No. No, it's not.
Some things...
just aren't funny.
That Sealab show is funny.
Only sometimes.