Captain Murphy: ON A FROSTY WINTER'S NIGHT,
OF FORT KLUGMAN,
TO THE FRONTIER.
WAS HEAVY WITH CHILD.
FOR NIGH ON ONE YEAR,
NONE HAD LAIN WITH HER,
THOUGH SHE WAS COMELY.
WINTER'S NIGHT,
YOUNG DELIA'S WATER BROKE,
THE SEAT OF THE WAGON,
IN THE HOSPITAL THERE.
OF SYPHILIS AMONG THE SOLDIERS,
THE HOSPITAL WAS FULL.
AND SO THERE IN THE STABLE,
AND THE... THE WHATSIS,
WHOM SHE CALLED ALVIS,
AS WAS HER WONT.
IN THE PARTY WERE THE FATHER,
MUST TRULY BE A MIRACLE.
AND IT WAS SO, FOR ABOVE THE FORT,
AN AWESOME AND MIGHTY COMET.
DECIMATED, SHAMANS.
AS WAS THEIR HEATHEN CUSTOM,
BEARING GIFTS... OFFERINGS OF WHISKEY AND FIREARMS.
SAW THE CHILD,
THEY WERE IN AWE,
NOT OF THIS WORLD, SO...
SO...
SO, DOES LITTLE... CODY.
BY HIMSELF?
NO.
RIGHT. SO PLOP HIM IN THERE.
THOSE HALOGENS.
THAT'S DANGEROUS. LIGHT BULBS ARE WAY TOO HOT!
WOMAN, THE SWADDLING CLOTHES ARE ASBESTOS!
NOW WRAP HIM UP. ASBESTOS!
YEAH, AND HIS PISTOL'S JUST A LITTLE.22.
COULDN'T HURT A FLEA.
THIS SECOND TELL YOU?
OH, COME ON, YOU IDIOTS!
LOOK, THEM BREAKERS AIN'T RATED FOR THIS.
WELL, CRAM A PENNY IN THERE.
A PENNY WILL START A FIRE.
LOOK, SHAMANS WOULDN'T RIDE BUFFALOES
PIECE OF CRAP COMET.
A PENNY WILL START A FIRE.
PIECE OF CRAP COMET?
OW.
MY BUFFALO'S MEAN.
BRIGHTER! I WANT THESE JERKS
JUST LIKE, UH, IN THE BOOK OF ALVIS.
A PENNY WILL START A FIRE.
OW.
ABOUT BUFFALOES?
OW!
NOT TO FOOL WITH 'EM.
WELL, PUT SOME ASS BAGS ON 'EM, LIKE IN A PARADE.
THAT SOUND SYSTEM.
SOME FREAKIN' POMP!
SIR, WHAT'S THE DEAL ON THIS FLIER?
YEAH! IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME!
WE GOT THE GUNS, THE LIQUOR, THE HAM.
JUST WAITING ON THE AMMO,
WAS REALLY ALL ABOUT,
'CAUSE IT ALWAYS GETS SO DAMN...
AHEM... COMMERCIALIZED.
OK, BUT WE NEVER DO A BIG ALVISTIME THING...
BECAUSE IT'S OFFENSIVE TO NON-ALVIANS.
NON-ALVIANS?
WHO THE HELL'S NON-ALVIAN?
IS ALVIAN, SIR.
COME ON, NOW. THAT'S JUST CRAP, RIGHT?
ABOUT 20% ARE SHEIKRA, 15% ARE MANDU...
6% HEMPISH, 2% KREBISH, AND, UM...
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
THEIR ALVISTIME.
THE 9 NIGHTS OF KREBULA?
YEAH. NOBODY BUSTED THEIR CHOPS.
OF THE SEALAB CHARTER.
FOR THE SHEIKRAS' LITTLE DEALY.
UH, DO YOU MEAN SHEIKRADAN?
WHATEVER.
DURING SHEIKRADAN.
YEAH, AND WE HAD TONS OF LEFTOVERS.
LOOK, I'M AN ALVIAN,
MAYBE NOT THE BEST ONE EVER,
MAYBE NOT EVEN FIFTH BEST, BUT I'M THE BOSS,
AND THIS YEAR, ALVIS IS IN THE HIZZY.
THE HIZZY?
MM-HMM.
WELL, YOUR LITTLE HAM-AND-LIQUOR HOOTENANNY ISN'T GONNA...
IT'S NOT A HOOTENANNY. IT'S AN EXTRAVAGANZA.
FULL OF POMP!
SHUT UP!
GET IN THERE! SHUT UP!
ARE YOU DRUNK?
SHUT UP!
SHUT YOUR DRUNK ASS UP!
SHUT UP!
COME ON. ALVIANS GET WASTED AT ALVISTIME.
SO QUIT OPPRESSING US.
SHUT UP!
WHAT'S WITH ALL THE ALVISTIME STUFF?
THE SAME THING.
NO, NO, NO. THIS IS TOTALLY OFFENSIVE.
THE SAME THING.
SHUT UP!
YOU SHUT UP, YOU.
YOU!
IN FRONT OF BABY ALVIS.
HE'S A MIRACULOUS MIRACLE INCARNATE.
HUH HUH! HA.
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
AND A MIRACLE BIRTH?
IT'S A FAIRY TALE.
WELL, HERE'S A... A NON-FAIRY TALE FOR YOU.
YOU'RE FIRED.
YOU CAN'T FIRE HIM BASED ON RELIGIOUS...
HOW CAN YOU WORSHIP THAT GUY?
HE KILLED A MAN!
HEY, ONLY FOR REVENGE.
"VENGEANCE IS MINE," QUOTH ALVIS.
RIGHT IN THE FREAKIN' FACE.
AND A CRIMINAL!
BLASPHEMER!
EVER TO SLAP IRON.
HE KILLED FOR YOUR SINS.
ALVIS' LOVE OF LIQUOR
AND REVENGE WAS...
CREEPY.
FOR ALL ETERNITY.
THOSE BITCHES.
MALKANS DON'T BELIEVE IN HELL.
YOU'RE A WITCH?
MALKA'S NOT ABOUT WITCHCRAFT.
NAH, NO, NO.
YOU'RE FIRED. GET ON YOUR BROOM.
YOU CAN'T FIRE SOMEONE BASED ON RELIGIOUS...
DON'T LET MARCO CATCH YOU ON THE WAY OUT.
ABOUT WITCHES AND CRAP.
THONIK?
BACK ME UP HERE.
I'M SURROUNDED BY TREE-HUGGING ALVIS HATERS.
Dr. Quinn and Debbie: I DON'T HATE ALVIS.
I WAS THONIK?
YOU'RE A SPANIARD, SO I...
A SPANIARD?
AW, HELL. NOW YOU DID IT.
A SPANIARD?
HEY. HO. WHOA.
I'M NOT FROM SPAIN!
IN FACT, 85% OF
ARE NOT FROM SPAIN!
LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO GET INTO A BIG THING HERE.
AREN'T THONIK!
RIVER-STYX-LOVIN' ASS.
WELL, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU?
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
DID YOU JUST HEX ME, YOU BASTARD?
JIBBER JABBER!
JIBBER JABBER...
COME HERE, STORMY!
I'LL BEAT YOUR STYX DRINKIN' ASS!
FIGHTING!
YOU'RE RUINING ALVISTIME FOR EVERYBODY!
SIR, THAT'S MY WHOLE POINT.
ISN'T FOR EVERYBODY.
IT'S ONLY FOR A MINORITY OF PEOPLE.
MINORITY,
ALL THE SAME.
SO WE FEEL IT'S WRONG
ON THE NON-ALVIANS OF...
EGGNOG!
WHAT?
IS SOME EGGNOG.
PLENTY OF LIQUOR AND NUTMEG.
I'M AFRAID THIS IS
ISN'T GOING TO FIX.
NO, NOT JUST LIQUOR. COME ON, IT'S GOT NUTMEG.
YOU KNOW, LIKE MALCOLM X GOT HIGH ON IN PRISON.
WELL, WHAT ARE
ON SHIFT UP HERE?
AND BUFFALO AND...
LIKE A SHEIKRA'S NEVER SEEN A BUFFALO?
NOW YOU'RE JUST BEING RACIST.
AH, YEAH. I KNEW YOU'D PLAY THAT CARD.
AND WHAT CARD IS THAT?
WHAT CARD IT IS.
NAH. SPELL IT OUT FOR ME!
I'LL SPELL THE HELL OUT OF IT FOR YOU!
CAPTAIN, STOP IT.
NOW, I WANT SOME DAMN ALVISTIME SPIRIT IN HERE,
ALVIS MY LORD!
YOUR LORD?
IT'S A BABY WITH A FREAKIN' GUN
A FLOODLIGHT!
HEY, WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE, HARRY POTTER?
JUST GIVE ME A DAMN PENNY.
YEAH, HI, UM, SO WE'RE NOT...
WE'RE NOT STAYING.
FOR THE, UM,
THE PAGEANT,
UH, BUT THANKS. UH, THANK YOU.
YEAH? WELL, I HOPE CODY HAS
WITH A SISSY NAME LIKE THAT!
OK. UM, YEAH. CODY'S A GIRL.
YEAH. AND I CALLED SOCIAL SERVICES...
A GIRL BABY ALVIS? THAT'S MESSED UP, LADY!
HEY, UH, HEY, UM...
IS CAPTAIN MURPHY?
THAT'S MURPHY RIGHT THERE.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS, SIR.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT DO YOU WANT?
COUNTY HEALTH INSPECTOR.
FOR FECAL MATTER.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO GIVE YOU A LITTLE FINE THERE,
BUT, UH, HAVE A HAPPY ALVISTIME.
A FINE? MM-HMM.
A FINE!
HI. RAE PEDERMAN, FAMILY SERVICES.
LADY, UNLESS
JAMMED UP YOUR SKIRT,
TELL YOUR STORY WALKING.
YEAH, A BABY, MM-HMM.
IN ASBESTOS?
OH, THAT. I MEAN, I CAN EXPLAIN THAT.
SEE, ON A FROSTY WINTER'S... HOO! WHOA!
KEEP THEM HEADS DOWN...
THIS IS A SUMMONS.
YOU'RE TO APPEAR IN FAMILY COURT,
TRIAL PART 61...
I'LL BEAT TRIAL PART 61's ASS!
HEY, YOU YOUNG'UNS GET AWAY FROM THAT BUFFET.
WITH GIARDIA.
YOU DON'T WANT THAT.
OH, CRAP, HE'S DOUBLING BACK...
STOP IT NOW! STOP IT!
IT'S ALVISTIME! HAVE SOME EGGNOG...
FIRE! FIRE!
I'M TRYING TO COMMUNE! YOU'RE RUINING THE FEAST!
I TOLD YOU, YOU DUMB...
ALVIS, DAMN IT!
IT'S ALVISTIME!
OOF!
OH, ALVIS, I'VE FAILED YOU!
OF ALVIS,
AND IT'S ALL TURNED TO CRAP.
CRAP, CRAP, CRAP, CRAP!
CRAP!
LO THEN, DAMN IT. LO.
WHAZZA...
AND SCREAM "CRAP"?
OH, SWEET DELIA! IS IT...
OH, IT'S YOU, ISN'T IT?
ALVIS!
BINGO.
I WAS... THERE WAS
AND...
CRAP SCREAMER,
MEANING OF ALVISTIME.
I, UH... HUH?
NOR POMP.
NAY, THE TRUE MEANING OF ALVISTIME IS DRINKING.
DRINKING AND REVENGE.
WELL, I GOT EGGNOG, BUT I DON'T THINK
IT'S ENOUGH TO GET REALLY LOADED.
CRAP SCREAMER!
MORE OF A LIQUEUR.
BEHOLD!
IT'S A MIRACLE!
MIRACLE.
OF THE BOURBON, SCOTCH, AND RYE
AS WE ARE FIGHTING DRUNK.
THEN WE SHALL FIND, AND BEAT THE ASSES OF,
WHO RUINED MY FEAST.
CRAPPED THE BUFFET.
NO. NO, SIR, THAT WAS ME.
EVERY ONE.
YOU'RE DAMN STRAIGHT HE DOES.
WARNER BROS.
YES, THE CONCUSSION
AND SEE ALL KINDS...
HE WAS REAL, I'M TELLING YOU.
WE GOT DRUNK TOGETHER.
ON THE FRIGGIN' KREBS.
WHAT? HAVE YOU NEVER READ THE BOOK OF ALVIS?
HIMSELF A KREB.
WHAT?
YES, IT WAS THE ROMANS WHO KILLED HIM.
SO, IN TRUTHFUL FACT,
ANGRY WITH THE ITALIANS.
ARE YOU TALKING?
OH, YES, WHAT DO I KNOW?
ONLY 5,000 YEARS OLD.
HUH. 5,000 YEARS OF...
OF STUPID.
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