Yello?
Baby, it's conrad. You ready to love me today?
You know i love all living things...
That don't waste my time.
How about your own series?
It's called seaforce nine,
And it's set in an underwater research colony.
Sounds stupid.
Stupid great! But, listen, these idiots,
They want you to audition.
Audition?
I think you're gonna need to do
A little bit of research, though, before that.
Research? When?
Now. I'm down at your massive gate.
Ok.
You're not leaving, beck bristow?
What can i do, baby?
My craft calls out to me... Like a lover.
Your craft?
Am i not also your lover, beck bristow?
Yeah. Yeah, you are...
For now.
Hank murphy: dress that line, mister.
Shoulders back. You, suck in that gut!
I beg your pardon?
Suck in the pooch, woman.
I do not have a pooch.
Jelly sack?
Ha!
Whatever you call it.
Straighten up, punks.
I want this place shipshape
For when hollywood actor
Beck bristow gets here.
I don't have time to baby-Sit some stupid actor.
Silence in the ranks.
That beck bristow is not a baby.
He's a famous grown-Up hollywood actor.
Well, if he's so damn famous,
How come i've never heard of him?
Beck bristow: ah, the question on everyone's lips.
Hi. I'm hollywood actor beck bristow.
And i am soaking wet.
Hi, beck bristow. Hi, hi, hi!
Ah, you must be captain... Murray.
Oh, i am, i am, i am. Yes, i am!
Although... And this does not reflect
On any of you as people, per se...
But i'm not gonna remember any of your names.
Not a problem.
So if i wish to speak to anyone,
I'll probably address that person simply as... Hey.
No sweat, becky.
And never call me becky.
Because beck bristow hates that, huh?
Yes, he certainly does.
And this, of course, is the reactor.
What's she got, about 200 mevs per decay cycle?
Uh...
Of course, i'm assuming fusion
At a constant state of subcriticality.
Man, you sure know a lot about reactors!
Well, i didn't win an emmy
For this pretty face, buddy.
Eh, daytime emmy.
Hmm. All right, then.
Guess you don't want to see it.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, i do!
Mmm... No. Murray?
Huh?
Let me tell you something.
Oh, yeah. What's that?
You're great, ok?
But i also find myself intensely bored by you.
I thought we were having fun.
Yeah, and you know what? You're exactly right.
Oh, cool!
But for my seaforce nine research,
Maybe i should hang out with the...
How do i put this? With the grunts.
The grunts?
Yeah. You know, in the trenches.
Then trenches beck bristow shall have.
This trench sucks!
Yeah, thanks a lot, bristow.
No, thank you, chair guy.
This is perfect for my research.
Dig. Dig, you rat-Faced bastards. Ha!
Just kidding. You guys are great.
Man, it's your fault we're digging this stupid trench!
So how about you getting...
Hey.
Hey what?
No, i'm addressing you now.
My name is doctor quinn.
Mmm... Not gonna remember that.
I don't care if you remember my name!
I wish i had a mnemonic device.
Stay out of my face, bristow!
What rhymes with black?
Crack!
Stormy, shut your ass up!
All i'm getting is "angry black man."
Oh, you ain't seen angry!
That doesn't help me with the actual name.
I'm gonna climb up out of this hole
And make you say my damn name!
And i'll just forget it 5 minutes later.
God, you're a self-Absorbed ass!
Now, you see, chair guy over there i remember,
But that just cost him the slot.
Uh... What slot?
The network is letting me choose
The technical advisor on seaforce nine, people.
Your famous hollywood tv show?
Hey, hey, whoa!
Uh... How much does it pay?
Oh, man. Assloads.
And you're gonna pick one of us?
Well, unless you think i'm too self-Absorbed.
Oh, no, no.
I was, uh... Talking to quinn.
Who?
Me!
Oh, right. Angry black guy.
He's not always angry.
I think maybe he just feels... Threatened by you.
Who's that?
Quinn.
Mmm... Help me out here.
Angry black guy?
No, help me out with my foot.
It's cramping ever so slightly.
How's that?
Ah... Words fail me.
Bet you say that to all the girls.
I'm not a huge fan of cliches like that, baby.
Ha!
Ha ha ha! You were kidding.
No, i wasn't. But i just remembered
A funny story from when i was on oz.
Oh, i love hollywood gossip.
Hush. I'm talking.
So, it's set in prison, right?
And my character is getting raped by this other guy, and...
Um... How is that funny?
He was dressed like a clown.
Well, it must be fascinating
To be hollywood actor beck bristow.
It is, baby.
You know what else is fascinating?
Tell me.
Hot, nasty sex with hollywood actor beck bristow.
Are you... Propositioning me?
No. Oh!
Merely stating a fact.
For you, hot, nasty sex
With hollywood actor beck bristow
Will remain a dream unrealized.
Oh, yeah. I mean, yeah.
I just have to... Ow! I have to go now.
Ok. Bye. Ow!
As hollywood actor beck bristow
Thrills to the sensation of tiny bubbles
Caressing his tan, muscular bottom...
Beck. Beck, is this it?
Does that look like the rubber ducky
Of hollywood actor beck bristow?
Uh...
Murray.
Yeah?
Forget the ducky.
I'm not learning anything here.
I never do.
What if i killed a gigantic shark?
Oh, sure. But, uh... Why?
"famous hollywood actor beck bristow
Kills shark in preparation for role."
Wow!
In hollywood, we call that a p.R. Coup, buddy.
I don't know. Sounds really dangerous.
As is any life worth living.
Wow! Where did you learn how to do that?
On the set of escape from atlantis.
I played joriath.
Did you see it?
No, but that was amazing!
No, what's amazing is how tenaciously
That tough old bastard clung to life.
Yeah, till you jacked him up.
Murray!
Totally jacked him up.
I won't have you gloating over the carcass
Of this magnificent beast.
My bad.
He gave his life so that we may have a sumptuous feast...
Shark's fin soup and delicacies from his innards.
Awesome!
A feast befitting hollywood actor beck bristow,
The shark slayer.
Totally!
Have the chef prepare the repast
While i anoint myself with oils.
Beck?
Yes, murray?
Will there be cole slaw?
Don't you just know there will.
3 cheers for the shark slayer. Hip, hip...
Hooray! Hip, hip...
This is crap!
You came down here to do research
For a tv show about underwater research.
Killing an innocent shark is not research!
Mmm... Who are you again?
Dr. Quinn!
Right, the black guy.
I don't know why i keep blanking on that, dude.
And when you killed this shark...
I worked with tons of the brothers on oz.
And when you killed this shark,
You violated every principle sealab stands for!
What about being nude in the hot tub
With your girlfriend, pal?
What? Oh... Hell.
That violate any principles?
Is this true?
It sounds way worse than it is.
Sparks, let me get some slaw.
Shut up.
She strokes a good foot, bro.
She what?
No, no. He had a foot cramp.
I can vouch for that.
Give me some damn cole slaw!
Shut up.
I saw his toes curl up.
He came on to me!
Yeah, right.
On your feet, bristow!
Bro, why would i come on to her?
I'm a famous hollywood actor.
Who is 5 seconds away
From getting my foot in his ass!
Cole slaw, damn it!
Shut up!
I didn't come on to him.
Hang on, ok?
Hey, fun bags, would you like
To run away with me back to hollywood?
Oh, whatever!
No, i'm serious. Come on.
We had a moment there.
I can vouch for that.
I know you felt it.
Saw her toes curl up.
Come away with me to my palatial home
In the sun-Drenched hills.
Shut your mouth, bristow!
Well, hang on a second.
Woman, you are on thin ice!
Look into my ridiculously piercing blue eyes.
Beck... Are you serious?
No, of course not.
You bastard!
Merely illustrating my point.
Me and you, bristow! Outside!
Kick his ass, quinn!
Your ass is next.
Hey, quinn, wait.
You saw what he did to this big-Ass shark.
You can taste his awesome power.
Yeah. He'll kill you.
I'll see him in hell first!
Ha ha ha! Perfect, man. Awesome.
That is exactly the kind of energy i need
In a technical advisor.
What?
I knew i could get it out of you.
Wait. This was some stupid test?
What is life if not a stupid test?
Cast off this yoke and live a life of ease with me
In sunny hollywood.
Well, yeah, ok. I'm in.
Sweet. And you won't regret this for quite some time.
Thanks for everything,
You, uh...
People. Come on, black guy. My hovercraft awaits.
Quinn, wait!
Go to hell, debbie.
Great knockers, though.
I can vouch for that.
Conrad, on telephone: no, they loved your read.
They're turning it into
Some crappy, late-Night adult cartoon thing.
Oh, that's gonna suck.
I've always told you i want you to do features anyway.
You and the rest of western civilization.
By the way, how did that technical guy take it
When you told him he didn't get the part?
Oh, he's cool.
I set him up with another job.
Actually, hang on a sec. Hey, black guy.
Don't just push the leaves around, ok?
That's why we have the net, right?
Skim! Skim it!
Idiot.
Sorry. You still there?
Hi. I'm hollywood actor beck bristow.
I hope you enjoyed my velvety voice
During this cartoon, for which i earned $1,200.
Get out!
To learn more about me and all the famous-Guy stuff i do,
Visit my new website...
And together, we can make me a huge star.
No, strike that. A huger star.
Because beck bristow is going supernova.
Captioning made possible by warner bros.
Hey, woman, how about a grilled cheese up here for your daddy?
Captioned by the national captioning institute www.Ncicap.Org...