Captioning made possible by warner bros.
Sacred savories at stake in the great spice wars
As rebel forces, led by captain murphy...
Hey! Hey, check it out.
Captain murphy is on the news again.
God, i hope he's ok.
Speaking of captains,
I wonder when they're going to send us a replacement.
Ouch! Ohh.
Now, that's some leather poppin'.
Head on a swivel, you're shootin' them hips,
And you're poppin'! All right!
What? Breakdown!
Who... Who are you? Tornado shanks.
I coach football and teach health and hygiene.
Yeah, but what are you doing here?
Slapped a kid.
Well, more like punched him in the throat,
But short story shorter, school board fired my ass,
And so i answered y'all's ad in the paper.
That ad was for a line officer
With 10 years of command experience
At an underwater research facility.
Breakdown!
Look, obviously there's been a misunderstanding.
The last thing we need around here is a football coach.
Well, missy, say it's third and 4 in the red zone,
And you're looking at a 5-3 weak side stack
With 'backers showing blitz.
Do you option or fake a 32 dive and hit the slotback?
Neither. Exactly. 44 cross buck.
And that's why you need a coach, and that's why i'm him.
Well, then, can i be head cheerleader?
No! There's no football team.
Quit oppressing her.
Honey, you just cheer your pretty little head off.
Because i cheered in high school,
But i wasn't, you know, squad leader.
Look, what is it, shanks?
I went to norfolk high.
Wait. Here. This is a research...
Ready? We don't drink, and we don't smoke.
Norfolk! Norfolk!
That's the spirit. Now go get you some pom poms and lollipops.
We don't drink, and we don't smoke...
Oh, son, i can smell it.
We're gonna have a great football team this year.
No, we're not, because nobody here is dumb enough to play football for you.
Ready to play football for you, sir!
Breakdown! That's it.
I'm calling security.
Hellfire, that reminds me.
Former security guards reporting, sir!
Oh, man.
Breakdown!
Hoo-Ah!
Damn straight, hoo-Ah,
'cause fundamentals win ballgames.
I can't feel my feet.
And just like in football,
There's fundamentals in health and hygiene.
For example, this here's the plumbing inside a woman.
Now, does anybody in here wanna be a gynocolologist?
Ain't no reason to learn it. Fact, football team's excused.
Hit them sleds till you puke.
Then i'll be down there for skelly drill.
Son, i know you don't want to sit in here
And look at fallopian tubes any more than i do.
And you don't have to,
If you just suit up and play ball for me.
That's ridiculous. I'm a scientist.
Well, hell, quarterbacking is a science.
Uhh! Get... I don't know... Sparks.
Ow. Ow!
Please be still.
I have to screw these bolts in very, very tightly.
Oops. Pierced the brain.
I'll just back that out.
Ah! Damn it, you ing asshole!
Oh, really?
Well, what about hesh?
Yay! Go, team!
Come on, defense! Hip hip hooray!
Daddy mack'll make you jump, jump!
Now, look, son, we could sit here and set up sight gags
Till the cows come home,
But i need a q.B. To anchor my team.
Well, seek, and ye shall find, baby.
Debbie?
Darling, maybe you'd be happier
In a cheerleading capacity.
Yay!
I'd be happier if you scrap that tired-Ass box formation.
The box is a proven winner.
Yeah, back in the forties.
And into the early fifties.
Honey, you got to go pro set with the trips wide
If i'm gonna run and gun.
Run and gun?
Sugar, can you even throw that thing? Ohh!
How you think i won the heisman trophy?
Wait... You're heisman trophy winner debbie love?
Last time i checked.
Well, welcome aboard, darling.
No, i just meant it's lucky that you already have a chair...
With wheels.
Yeah. Now go to hell.
Would a cheer cheer you up?
Go to hell.
Ready? Ok!
Lean to the left! Lean to the right!
I can't lean, you stupid bitch!
Well, excuse me for having some spirit.
What are you wearing?
It's to keep my head perfectly still.
No, you.
I know, it's totally hot, right?
Has everybody gone crazy?
This is a research station,
Not some stupid football pep rally thing!
The pep rally!
Could, uh, you scratch my nose, please?
No.
Peel your banana and take a bite!
Quiet down. Quiet down.
Now, thanks to heisman trophy winner debbie love,
We got us a powerful new pro set offense.
And inexplicably, after just 3 days of practice,
Y'all are a great football team.
Seriously, though, knock off that damn barking.
Now, this right here is why i've been driving y'all so hard.
The marianas trench prison for criminally insane robots.
Ooh, child! Oh, jesus!
Robots so evil and deadly,
They were banished to the deepest spot on earth.
We're not playing them, are we?
No, we're playing the guards.
Now, hazin', the warden over there,
Thinks he's got his self a football team.
And they've challenged us to a game.
Sealab, we are going to destroy you.
Yay!
So, who's ready to play those robot prison football guards?
Well, heisman trophy winner debbie love
Don't take that sort of trash talk
From some giant killer robot with laser beam eyes
And tank treads for feet. Now, who's with me?
I say, can i get a tight end?
Good, 'cause they're on their way over.
Hey, hey, hey, pipe down. We're almost there.
Let's get those game faces on, people.
How's this, coach?
Figure of speech, jamie.
Yay! Hip-Hip hooray! Go, team!
Wait for my cadence.
Come on, defense!
I'm head cheerleader!
And i don't know how they're gonna play like that.
Who is grabbing my ass back there?
Is it me?
I don't know. Do that again.
What, uh, that?
Yes. Now keep doing it.
Knock off the grab-Ass, waters.
I like it.
Rub, rub, rub my robot ass.
Hazin'. Shanks.
All right, then, let's play some ball.
Uhh! How are we supposed to play like this?
Son, that's why we got the shrink ray.
Uh! Hang on, robots!
Hang on, men!
I'm tingling!
I can't feel my pee-Pee!
Holy bejesus!
Yep, we're pretty small.
All right, now, if we win the toss...
Crush formation right on 3.
Coach, they're twice as big as us.
Can't we shrink them down a little more?
No, the shrink ray... Everything shrinks the same relative size,
Something about science or atoms...
You better get a grip.
Heisman trophy winner debbie love ain't about getting her neck broke.
You feel me?
I'm not playing if debbie's not.
Line 'em up for kickoff, coach.
We can't see that happening.
Well, men, it breaks my heart to bring this up,
But that damn robot coach hazin',
He... He murdered my parents.
What? Horrible!
Right in front of my eyes.
Do you need a hug?
So, it was either become batman or a football coach
Who would one day lead a ragtag bunch of heroes to victory
Against their killer, who also happened to be a football coach.
So, if you can't do it for me,
If you can't even do it for yourselves,
Then for god's sakes, do it for my dead-Ass murdered parents.
Come on, y'all!
Whoa!
Malfunction. Malfunction.
Reverse shrink ray!
What in sam hill are you doing?
Playing this fascinating game.
The tiny players mimic the movement of isotopes in a weak magnetic field
Simply by applying electricity.
Would you turn that damn thing off?
Everybody ok?
Ok, then, let's whup some ass, babies!
Uh, excuse me...
Get out of here, you damn parent killer!
Aw, man, did he say that?
He makes something up like that every game, you know that?
Uh-Uh. I know you ain't calling tornado shanks a liar.
One time he said i raped his parents.
Another time he said i killed his dog.
And one time he said i made his dog rape his parents.
Wait. Why should we believe you?
Well, don't take my word for it.
Howdy. We're mr. And mrs. Tornado shanks, sr.
This here is our dog shep, and he wouldn't rape a flea.
Ha ha ha! Would you, boy?
Our little tornado likes to, well, stretch the truth.
We're trying to play a football game here.
Why don't you go stick your nose in a bucket, dadgum sissy.
Who you calling a sissy?
Any man who don't go out for the football team is a big, fat sissy.
Sissy! Fat sissy!
God sakes alive! He's gonna kill us all!
Reverse, shrink ray! Reverse!
I said, you're the biggest, fattest, sissiest sissy pants
That ever sissied at the big, fat sissy pickers' ball!
Oh, yeah?
Oh, thank heaven we made it!
What are y'all doing regular size?
Get back down there and play ball.
Your stupid foot crushed everybody.
They're dead.
And you got some explaining to do, coach fibby man.
Whoa, whoa, wait. All the robots are dead?
And a bunch of our guys.
And your parents.
But for sure the robots?
Yes. Now...
That means they forfeit. We're un-De-Feated.
I am so proud, i... Aw, shoot, i'm choking up.
Well, do it on the way out.
I'm relieving you of your command,
And i want you off my research station.
Well, i'd sure like to oblige you,
But i've got a damn contract.
What are you talking about?
I'm your new captain, and i'm here to stay.
So all of y'all best get your heads
Around that little piece of cheese right now!
And i realize a lot of y'all ain't gonna like the way i do things.
Sure as shootin', right when i walk out of here,
Y'all will be mincing back to your chat rooms
And message boards and sissified little blogs,
Just a-Cryin' and a-Bellyachin'
About how you don't like your new captain.
And to that, i just got one thing to say.
You don't like me, fine.
Watch anime.
Yay!
Captioning made possible by warner bros.
Captioned by the national captioning institute www.Ncicap.Org...
Y'all ready for this?