Oh, hi, everybody.
Hello there... Whale. I'm dr. Quinn.
You may call me abelard.
So... Why are you here?
Well, i want you to kill me.
Wh... Why?
Because i have whale cancer.
I gotta have that dick!
Stormy! You know...
Uh-Oh. I blew it.
Hey, moby. Did stacy call?
Oh, i don't know. I couldn't get to the phone.
No.
Oh, cousin dick.
Man, i love that talking dick show.
Yeah, that was me. To make my lips move,
The producers rubbed my gums with asbestos.
How'd you get cancer?
Look, i'm sorry you're sick, but how is this my problem?
Can't you just... I don't know... Beach yourself or something?
Hippies. What?
When i found out the tumor was inoperable,
I tried to beach myself,
But dumb-Ass hippies kept trying to save me
By pushing my ass back in the ocean.
Man, hippies. Hate 'em.
I don't know. I'll have to think about this.
I don't... I don't think i can just kill you.
Hey, hey. Take your time.
I have about 4 to 6 weeks
Of the most intense pain and suffering
You ever could possibly imagine.
Ok.
This is the most aggressive strain of whale cancer i've ever seen.
And totally resistant to treatment.
Hey, hey, amigo. What's shaking?
Oh, hey, marco. Hey.
Just trying to figure out if these cancer...
Hey, marco, what are you doing?
Quinn, i don't know!
You just ate whale cancer!
I don't even know what that means!
I don't know what this is gonna do to you!
Do to you... Do to you...
You got any o.J.?
Orange juice. What are you, a gay?
Well, now, that's just insensitive.
Take your balls out of your purse and step up to flavor...
With whale cancer!
F' yeah!
Whoa!
That's right, kids!
Kick that gay ass orange juice to the curb
And man up to whale cancer!
Wow, that whale can really flail!
I'm mayor f. Whale, and i approved this message
For deliciousness.
F' yeah.
I don't want him to suffer,
But can i intentionally end a life?
I'll kill him right now. Say i won't. Say it.
No, not marco. The whale.
Is it right to euthanize him?
If i had a dollar for every patient i've killed...
Wait. Let's say $100... New bass boat.
I like the bigmouth bass
Out there on the boat in the reeds.
I put a pig-N-Jig on there, baby, and good night, bass.
You're not, uh... You're not helping.
Look at it this way... When that whale dies,
Terminally ill children can use his organs.
Here is a concept sketch of what a child would look like
With his gargantuan liver.
See? Right there. He says the liver is his best friend.
It better be.
Oh, krashnu's hooves.
Hey, good news, dick.
Hey, hey, it's abelard.
I solved your problem.
Got a deal on the internet for this guy.
It's made of wood, see?
So?
So, it floats.
Is it gonna float me to cancer free island,
The island with no cancer, or something?
No, no. You're not getting it.
We transplant your brain into...
Oh, my god! All my puppies are in there!
Hey! Hey!
Save the whale!
Not affiliated with save the whales.
Euthanize this, turkeys.
Ownage!
As pandemonium breaks out,
All eyes turn to dr. Quinn, the whale slayer.
Any thoughts before the blood...
Ownage!
Nyeah.
Quinn, if you need any help, pointers, whatever,
Just hit muktuk or me on our cellies.
Or you can text us.
You know we have over 400 emoticons for snow.
Otherwise we'll probably just be getting drunk
And contemplating suicide
Because our traditional way of life is slowly vanishing.
Ha ha ha! So holla!
Tonight, on opposing viewpoints argument show,
Assisted whale suicide.
With the wrong opinion, tornado shanks, captain of sealab.
With the right opinion, me.
Should the whale be killed?
Yes! No!
Yes! Uh-Uh.
Yes. No.
Physical challenge.
Gianto roboto!
Well, i tried everything.
Wooden whale, fighting robots, cheese.
It's just no use, but you got a big heart, son.
Hell, i bet it's the size of a volkswagen.
So?
Shush, shush, shush.
Don't try to talk, bub. Save your strength.
Your suffering is over now.
Come on, man. You know, i really can't feel that at all.
God. You're so brave.
Please stop that.
I can't believe you'd even consider killing him.
Every life is precious.
I didn't ask to do this, ok? He asked me.
It's like if you cure a whale of cancer,
He can teach other whales not to have cancer. Understand?
No.
It's like that proverb about the little wooden boy
Who lived in a whale's belly.
He believed, and he believed, and he believed, and then...
You know what happened, quinn?
He became a real boy!
Right.
And that little boy grew up to be jesus christ.
It's going to look like i'm leaving,
But just keep talking.
Aah!
Are you ing me?
Right.
Yeah. That was weird.
F' yeah!
Oh, for the... Anybody else in there?
No.
Dammit, sparks. Get out here.
I'm not in this episode...
And... I'm not sparks.
So, i know you got all those hollywood contacts, right?
Look, i... I haven't been in hollywood for years, man.
Uh, so i want to run some fanfic by you,
See if we can get something going.
I don't even know none of these people.
Let me paint a picture for you.
What are you talking about?
Ok. It's 20 years later.
Dick has been released into the wild.
Suddenly, he gets a panicked telephone call
From the dinosaur with a bow and arrow in episode 23b...
Remember that one? Uh...
Now, here's the kicker. You see, the call...
Look, look... Is from the future.
Let me stop you there.
Hit me.
Could we get the black guy back in here?
Ok, i've decided. Let's do this.
Come on. Get your death on.
All right. Now, check this out.
After i'm gone, i only ask one thing.
Now, i saw this real funny video on the internet, you know,
Where these guys blew up a whale on the beach.
Everybody was at, you know, at the whale office...
They thought it was hilarious.
Now, i must've forwarded that thing to my entire address book.
Man, so do that, if you would, all right?
Blow me up so that i may die with dignity.
If you kill this semi-Intelligent creature,
I'll blow us all to hell!
Man, this is gonna be great!
Debbie, what do you think you're doing with...
Wait a minute! These readings show abelard is cancer-Free now.
How can this be? How is this possible?
This doesn't make sense.
By neptune's scepter, how could that be?
Well, well, come to think of it, you know what?
Well, i am feeling a little bett... Aah!
Oh, my god!
F' yeah!
Oh, my god! What happened?
Ha ha! I ate all the effing whale cancer, man.
Effing delicious.
Marco, what the?
What the f, indeed, quinn.
What the f, indeed.
Guys? Guys!
Little help here.
What a bunch of idiots.
Uh-Oh. I blew it.
Ok. Just give me... Just give me a bunch of them in a row, ellis.
Ok.
I gotta have that dick!
You know, gotta have that dick!
I gotta have that dick!
That's the ing loop that's gonna be brought back
To haunt me for the rest of my life.
Dick! Dick! Dick!
The joke... It's not even that good a joke.